Exacerbating the Problem

Talking to the Hub this morning, I mentioned that my friend and neighbor, “M,” is talking about moving come February.  Her boyfriend works for our landlord and they were instrumental in getting us this house (we just moved July 17).  She says she keeps asking our landlord to fix a few – relatively minor – problems in her house and he hasn’t done anything yet.

I mentioned to Hub that I keep asking HIM to remind the landlord that we have a few problems that need fixing, and HE hasn’t done it.  (For example, our back gate [which is a big roller shutter, like you’d find on a shop front] has been broken for 6 weeks.  I have 3 garbage bins, all full, and a growing pile of garbage bags all piled up that I can’t put out for the garbage men because I can’t get the gate open.  If the landlord doesn’t get it fixed soon, the back garden is going to turn into a garbage dump – literally).  So if I’m going to get angry at anybody, Hub is the one that deserves the anger.

Then he tells me that he’s going to see our landlord this Friday, to give him £200 rent.  What??!!??  First of all, we shouldn’t be paying him anything at all.  We’re entitled to full housing benefit.  Secondly, we have an entire list of expenditures to consider.  The 2 youngest need new winter coats (and they can’t wait too much longer, it gets cold fairly early here in the north).  Our 6 year old has a birthday coming up on October 5.  The phone bill is due soon.  And if we don’t start buying Christmas presents soon, the kids are going to be lucky if they get one gift each.  So what did I do?

I dissolved into tears, that’s what.

For someone who battles depression on a daily basis, having this much stress piled on top of the daily stresses (and with a family of 6, there’s no shortage of stresses, believe you me) is just too much to handle. 

Some people would say “it’s no use crying.”  Maybe so, but it’s not like I sit here and think to myself, “I think I’ll just have a good cry right about now.”  It’s an involuntary reaction.  It’s also a strange quirk of mine.  Whenever I feel an emotion that’s just too much to handle – rage, anger, frustration – I end up crying.  It’s almost like it’s my body’s way of releasing that stress.  I’ve always been like that.  It used to get me bullied in school.  The cowards used to think that because I was crying, I was weak.  What they didn’t realize was that I could cry and fight back at the same time.  Some of them learned quicker than others.

It’s funny, in a way.  But not a humorous one.  Most people would encounter a problem like this and would think of ways to solve the problem.  I can’t do that – at least not immediately.  The first thing I do is break down.  Then, when the break down is over, I can consider tackling the problem in a positive way.

But I always break down first.  I wish I didn’t.  But I don’t seem to have any control over it. 

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~ by nuckingfutz on September 24, 2007.

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