It’s the little things that mean the most

And by that title, I do mean the little nice things that happen, but the little bad things, too.

The little nice things that happen to you are what you really remember about a particular person.  Like my husband, for example.  I can’t think of very many big things he’s ever done that I could tell you about, other than things he did when we first met – and that’s a normal occurrence.  You always try harder when you first meet someone, because you want them to like/love/accept you.

But one little bad thing can ruin an entire day – or make you realize how important that little thing really is.

I realize I’m being a little cryptic here, so I’ll explain further.

My computer started going nuts today.  It started freezing up for no reason, so I kept restarting it.  After 3 or 4 re-starts, it suddenly started beeping at me like crazy.  I didn’t know what to do, and Hubby (our resident computer expert) was still in bed.  So I did the only thing I could do.

I turned it off and had a break down.

I suddenly thought of all the things I couldn’t do if I didn’t have my computer.  I couldn’t talk to my family – almost none of them ever call me on the phone, and if it weren’t for email, I probably wouldn’t know half the things that have gone on since I left the country in ’03.

I couldn’t talk to any of my friends, because NONE of them have EVER called me since I moved here – all communications have been by email.

But thinking of friends reminded me of just how isolated I feel lately.  Even my best friend – who was so broken up about me moving here that she could barely face me – won’t return my emails anymore.  I realize that it’s probably largely to do with the fact that it’s painful for her to have me so far away (one of the last conversations we DID have revolved around that very point), but it hurts me.  I’ve never needed her as much as I need her now, but she won’t respond to me.

And as much as that hurts, I have to admit that I’ve done the same thing to other people.  Another (male) friend keeps emailing me, and I can’t even bring myself to open the emails.  I don’t delete them, though – they sit there in my inbox and remind me of what a bad friend *I’M* being, but part of me is simply too ashamed to answer him.  I came here with such high hopes, and while I don’t regret moving here (as there are a lot of aspects of our family’s life that have been drastically improved since moving), the truth is that almost nothing is what I was told it would be.  Not to mention the fact of my husband’s affair, which may have happened 3 years ago, but I still find it hard to talk about.

I used to have a very involved online friendship with a small group of women, but I cut myself off from them a while ago as well, and I don’t know how to re-connect with them.  I simply stopped going to that particular part of the internets, and it’s been so long, I simply feel like a fool for considering trying to re-connect.

And it was this blog (and others, I have a few) that I thought of when I thought my computer had up and died on me.  Since I have a hubby who isn’t big on communication (that’s not to say he isn’t supportive; he is – he just can’t give me the level of support I TRULY need) and only one “real life” friend left in the world, my blogs are SO important to me.  This is my only way of “talking to” someone outside the confines of my own home, most days.

Finally, the information I’ve found recently (I will be doing a different blog post on that one, it’s opened my eyes about so many things) popped into my head, and my anguish increased tenfold.  I have found some really wonderful people and information, and for the first time in years I thought there might actually be hope for me and my self-image.  Without my computer I wouldn’t have access to that information, and that thought scared me infinitely.  I can feel myself sinking into the black depths, yet I can still see the faint light of hope.  I thought it was all being taken away from me.

The issues this thing seemed to be having earlier look like they’ve cleared up all on their own – hubby did a few things, left it a bit, and when he came back it seemed to just go away.  But I found it strange.  Most people would think that something as small as a broken laptop wouldn’t be a big deal.  But me?  I seriously felt as if somebody was taking a huge part of my life away.

Jeez.  I’m really pathetic, ain’t I?

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~ by nuckingfutz on October 23, 2007.

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